Having studied student behavior through the lens of psychology and motivation over the past three decades, I knew what wouldn’t help Jesse — lecturing him about the inappropriateness of his actions, his failure to follow school rules, or how much trouble he was in. Although it might make him feel bad about his behavior, none of these would be likely to promote Jesse’s reflection, let alone prevent him from committing similar actions in the future.

Instead, I would confront Jesse with a practice I call mindful discipline — a three-step approach based on psychology and brain research. During our interaction, I would focus on creating a connection with him, confronting him with his behavior, and helping him see a path towards redemption. I knew this would help Jesse reflect on his behavior, take responsibility for his actions and think about how he could make things right. Importantly, we might emerge from this situation with a greater sense of trust, one that could be built upon to help Jesse make more appropriate choices that lead toward social and emotional well-being.

As educators, one of our most important goals is to help our students learn how to lead happy, productive and successful lives. We want them to grow into healthy and fulfilled adults, with the ability to manage their emotions, empathize with others and live with integrity.

When students make decisions that cause harm to themselves and others, it can be challenging to maintain a focus on the long-term goals that we have for them. Genuine feelings of disapproval and anger often arise within us, triggering the urge to reprimand and punish. To be clear, imposing a consequence for a student’s misbehavior can be a legitimate response to the harm done to a victim, while also promoting reflection and emotional growth. But far too often we succumb to knee-jerk responses, focusing on retribution and shame while sacrificing opportunities to help students learn and grow from their actions. Our own emotional response steers attention to short-term situations, preventing thoughtful consideration of our long-term goals.

As I prepare to meet with Jesse, I take note of the anger I feel about his repeated misbehavior, the harm he has caused his classmate and the tense conversations I am likely to have with both Jesse’s and the victim’s parents. I am mindful of these feelings, without judging them as justified or wrong, and I set them aside. I know that the extent to which I can approach this interaction with a clear mind, the more skillful I can be in confronting Jesse in a way that will lead to a productive resolution.

Among the most important strategies I’ve acquired is forming a connection with the student before confronting the misbehavior. This connection, which can take place rather quickly, essentially communicates to the child: In spite of your misbehavior, I still see you as an important and worthy person, and I care about you. Researchers Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson (2012) describe this as building a staircase from the downstairs brain (ruled by emotions and impulses) to the upstairs brain (where thinking, problem-solving and reflection occur).

Children who are fresh from an emotional incident are often dwelling in their downstairs brain. Their states of mind are not conducive to a reflective conversation where they might take responsibility for their actions and think about how to learn from their mistakes. Taking a moment to affirm their worthiness of respect and care helps to release the “fight or flight” impulse and provides permission to be vulnerable and open to a conversation about their behavior.

Surprisingly, forming this connection can take just a few seconds. An acknowledgment that this has been a difficult day, or asking about the student’s family, are two examples of how a connection can be created. At other times it takes longer for a child to move into a receptive mindset, but it’s generally not productive to move to the next step before the connection occurs. Of course, the tone and authenticity matters more than the actual words. Hints of sarcasm or insincerity trigger feelings that “this is not a safe space to be vulnerable,” leading the child to burrow more deeply within the downstairs brain.

I approach Jesse, who sits slumped in his chair, and I crouch down next to him. Our eyes are level, but he keeps his gaze at the carpet. I gently put my hand on his shoulder and say, “I know this has been a tough couple of days for you. We’ll get through this, and I’m going to help you.” Although Jesse doesn’t look up, there’s a palpable change in his demeanor and he emits an audible exhale. Together, we walk into my office.

One of the essential strategies in mindful discipline is to shift the confrontation from between the student and the authority figure, to a confrontation between the student and the behavior. It is all too typical for students’ thoughts to be consumed by their feelings about the authority figure: Why do I always end up the one in trouble? What punishment am I going to be given? Does my teacher even like me? While these thoughts may naturally arise, the real problem is that it prevents the student from thinking about the things that might lead to accepting responsibility for the behavior, learning from mistakes and finding a productive resolution.