A publication of the Association of California School Administrators
Fostering connections when it matters most
Fostering connections when it matters most
Affirming family voices and advocacy during conflicts
Affirming family voices and advocacy during conflicts
By Gabriela Alonso and David Marshall | November | December 2025
At Riverside Unified School District, we recognize that family engagement requires a commitment from school leaders and educators to build and sustain partnerships with families founded on trust and respect, with a focus on learning and student wellness. To foster effective collaboration, educators, families, and community members need to develop the knowledge and skills to work together, and schools must intentionally integrate family and community engagement with goals for students’ learning and well-being (California Department of Education, 2017). The complexity of the educational system often leads to misunderstandings and disagreements between families and educators. Collaborating with families to address concerns requires an approach that values family strengths and emphasizes partnership. In case of a conflict, it is crucial that family members feel respected and fairly treated, that issues are resolved promptly, and that they are actively involved in finding a solution.
When conflicts occur, families may feel confused and uncertain about where to seek help. In RUSD, designated staff, especially the district resolution officer and staff at the Family Resource Center, play an essential role in working with families to resolve issues at both the school and district levels. The district resolution officer acts as a link between the district and families, offering a structured and supportive process for conflict resolution. This role involves not just finding solutions, but also understanding each family’s unique needs, respecting district policies and procedures, and upholding the laws and regulations that govern public education while supporting site administrators. By embracing diverse communities, honoring families’ knowledge and culture, and promoting shared responsibility in decision-making, we strive to ensure that all stakeholders have a voice in the resolution process, helping families feel supported and understood.
Few things can impact school administrators more than parent or caregiver complaints, especially when they are volatile. As a former principal and site administrator for 15 years, nothing caused more sleepless nights, anxiety, or disruption to managing a school than volatile complaints. Now, having served families for over 10 years in conflict resolution, we have developed specific strategies and practices to help. For example, by focusing on our mindset and understanding how it influences interactions, as well as exploring the brain science behind human connection and escalation, we can develop particular techniques and habits that improve our ability to communicate effectively and manage situations. These techniques include active listening, empathy, and conflict resolution skills.
The impact of our mindset on relationships
In any situation, whether it involves volatility or not, we can choose our mindset or approach. The Arbinger Institute explains the effects of being inward and the benefits of adopting an “outward” or “open” mindset. When disagreements and conflicts arise, common thoughts may include, “Why are they yelling at me? I didn’t do anything wrong,” or “I’m busy, and this is going to take all week.” The focus of this “inward” or “closed” mindset is on our own immediate needs or goals for the day, rather than on the parent or caregiver. In a sense, the person we are working with is not seen as a person; they are a “problem,” an “obstacle” to what we need to accomplish right now. Conversely, an “outward” or “open” mindset emphasizes focusing on the other person’s situation and context. Thoughts from this mindset might include, “They are agitated because they are afraid for their child. Who wouldn’t be?” “Yes, they’re mad, but it’s because they care about their child.” “There is a lot of hurt; I wonder where it comes from and how I can help?” An outward mindset shifts the focus to the other person, not on ourselves. We “see them” as a person, not a problem or obstacle. This approach helps build connections and trust.
ADVERTISEMENT
The brain and emotions
School administrators often recall situations where a parent or caregiver was very upset or angry and refused to accept any explanation to resolve the issue. Administrators frequently say, “I explained it, but they just didn’t want to or wouldn’t understand.” In such cases, the parent or caregiver was operating from their limbic system. They were temporarily unable to comprehend. The limbic system is a deeper region of the brain that governs responses like fight, flight, or freeze. In contrast, the cerebral cortex manages language, problem-solving, and reasoning. Thus, the parent or caregiver was not functioning from the brain area responsible for understanding. What could be more threatening to a parent or caregiver than concerns that their child is in danger, mistreated, or harmed? Understanding brain function is vital for making sense of volatile situations (Goulston, M., 2010). When dealing with upset, frustrated, and angry individuals, it is important to realize they are operating from their limbic system, which limits their ability to understand, solve problems, and use language. When first engaging with community members who are highly escalated, the initial step is not to try to solve the problem. At that point, they may not be able to understand. The first step is to de-escalate. Once all parties are operating from the reasoning part of their brain, the discussion can continue successfully.
Family strengths at the heart of building relationships
When engaging with families about a conflict, create a welcoming and responsive environment that builds trust and respect. Acknowledging and validating emotions helps establish human connection, increase confidence, and de-escalate intense feelings. Building strong connections with families requires staff to recognize and respect the diverse beliefs, values, and priorities of families. Families are their child’s first teachers and strongest advocates; they want the best for their children and wish to be invited to collaborate on all aspects of their child’s education. It’s crucial to recognize and emphasize the role of parents as advocates, valuing the knowledge and lived experiences they share. Helpful strategies include validating parents’ and caregivers’ concerns and feelings and focusing on the overall well-being of the student. Thank the parent or caregiver for raising their concern and aim to understand their perspective and needs. It’s less important to “be right” than to do what’s best for the child. It’s the staff’s responsibility to create opportunities for connection and healing, especially when families have had previous negative experiences with schools (Mapp, K. L., & Bergman, E., 2019). The main goal is for parents and caregivers to feel welcomed, valued, and actively involved in the educational process.
A family-centered approach
Ensure respectful and effective communication tailored to each family’s needs. Learn about the family’s culture, language, and communication preferences. Consider diverse households and co-parenting arrangements, and find ways to include all relevant family members. Respectfully use preferred names and pronouns. Be proactive in meeting needs early, including offering interpretation, translation, and ASL services. Connect with families promptly, especially on sensitive topics. In-person meetings help build trust and rapport, while phone calls allow for timely follow-up. Relying solely on email or text messages can be limiting or even harmful because these channels may not effectively convey tone, context, or urgency. It’s impossible to show how much you care about a child through email. Offer virtual options for families who can’t meet in person. Parents and caregivers juggle many responsibilities and appreciate flexible schedules from educators. Adjust your availability to fit the varying schedules of time-pressured families.
Relying solely on email or text messages can be limiting or even harmful because these channels may not effectively convey tone, context, or urgency. It’s impossible to show how much you care about a child through email.
Connections with student support services
When discord occurs, families may feel unseen or unheard, and they experience a wide range of emotions. Connecting family members with skilled family and community engagement staff who are experienced in initiating conversations, active listening, validating emotions, and establishing a link between families and schools is crucial for creating a foundation of trust and respect with the family. In RUSD, Family Resource Center staff validate the family's concerns and perspective, assess needs, and help the parent or caregiver navigate the situation. Critical to this approach is connecting with a support staff member at the school site who can provide a neutral perspective and identify appropriate supports for the student.
Research suggests that “effective urban schools need educators who not only know their students well, but also have an empathetic understanding of their parents’ situations and have the interpersonal skills needed to engage these adults effectively” (Bryk & Schneider, 2002, p.139). This team approach facilitates communication and respect, and enables trust between staff and family members. Empowering family members with information and tools to express their needs promotes a collaborative approach and facilitates resolution.
Personalized support
Tailor support to individual family circumstances. Meet the family where they are, consider the parent or caregiver’s knowledge, abilities, and readiness for support. Coach them to understand the complexities of the school system, avoid jargon, and partner with them to explore potential solutions. Outcomes are best achieved when families and schools work together, collaboratively and in an ongoing partnership that is focused on supporting student learning and wellness (California Department of Education, 2017). When family members participate in the decision-making process, they are more likely to support and implement the resulting decisions.
Co-creating solutions will foster teamwork and lead to a collaborative partnership between families and schools. Next steps and actions require transparency and timely follow-up. Ensuring parents and caregivers have specific contact information and access to those who can help is essential. This demonstrates that concerns are taken seriously and that interactions are valued. All stakeholders need to be informed and understand their role in supporting the student, family, and school, and have clear timelines for any actions they are responsible for. Identifying training and resources that help staff understand and respond to similar situations, and providing them with tools to navigate important conversations with families, empowers staff and creates opportunities for connection.
Collaboration drives student success
Educators recognize the vital role families play in education to maximize learning for every student. Successful collaboration with parents and caregivers, especially during emotionally charged situations, provides a valuable opportunity to build trust and strengthen relationships with all stakeholders. Supporting families through conflicts requires a comprehensive approach, including creating a safe space for sharing concerns and having staff who listen actively, acknowledge feelings, and show empathy. Connecting families with helpful resources to reduce barriers to learning and well-being can ease the stressors faced by parents or caregivers.
Our most meaningful reward comes when families say, “Finally! Someone is listening and genuinely cares about my child.”
References
Parent Involvement and Family Engagement — Parents/Family & Community (CA Dept of Education). https://www.cde.ca.gov/ls/pf/pf/