A publication of the Association of California School Administrators

Bringing Brené Brown to the table

Five of the author’s quotes that apply to the world of negotiations

By Jennifer Gaviola | January | February 2025

Educational leaders are trained in the art of difficult conversations. And yet, negotiations during fiscally challenging times can send even the most experienced and prepared leader into a spiral of sleepless nights, second-guessing their chosen profession and even a doubting of dedicated colleagues and talented educators. Years of relationship and trust building can seemingly be thrown to the wayside in an afternoon of contentious negotiations. To minimize the gloom-ridden cycle of negotiations, here is my best advice: Don’t lose sight of what makes you a strong and talented leader. You have advanced to a position of leadership/authority for a reason — even though the lens has changed when you sit around the proverbial negotiating table, the focus doesn’t have to be away from our educational purpose to serve students.

Of course, this advice seems easier said than done, but I am hopeful that when you come prepared to your negotiations and stay true to your leadership commitments, you will do more than survive negotiations, you will thrive as a collaborative leader. And, if all else fails, simply ask yourself, “WWBBD — what would Brené Brown do?”

While I always follow a few basic steps to prepare for negotiations (see below for resources), I would like to provide an additional lens and inspirational resource for your consideration — the leadership ideologies from world-renowned author and researcher Brené Brown. Often times when I need to refocus after a meeting or conversation that didn’t go exactly as I had planned, I reread or listen to sections of Brown’s books. Brené, as I like to call her, does such a beautiful and powerful job of reminding us of our “why” and that as leaders, we need to give ourselves grace — perfection is not the standard, growing and learning as a leader is.

In my last preparation process for negotiations, I decided to ask myself, how would some of the most impactful lessons/quotes from Brené Brown help me and other educational leaders in the negotiation process? Below are the top five Brené-isms applied to negotiations:

1. “Daring leaders must care for and be connected to the people they lead.” Long before sitting down at the table, relationship building is key to successful negotiations — not just for the lead negotiator but for all members of the team. Brené speaks often about the “Anatomy of Trust” (a jar of marbles in which your interactions either add to or take away from this jar of trust). Your team should be built with individuals who demonstrate integrity and intentionality. Along the journey, there will be disagreements, but questioning the individuals’ purpose at the table should not be in the way of successful negotiations.

2. “The courage to be vulnerable is not about winning or losing, it’s about the courage to show up when you can’t predict or control the outcome.” Inevitably during the negotiation process, there will be times when you or your team feels you have lost, given up too much, or maybe you didn’t predict a certain “ask.” (The same will be true for the “other side.”) An essential part of this process is to be vulnerable — open and honest about the predicament. I find great strength in stating, “That is a very good question. I don’t have all the information to answer that right now. I can research that and get back to you with an answer.” Admitting you need more time is not a weakness. It demonstrates your willingness to be vulnerable and shows that you are openly considering options that were not presented or considered by your team.

3. “Only when diverse perspectives are included, respected and valued can we start to get a full picture of the world.” Negotiations are a conversation and problem-solving session. Fostering compromise is key, second only to truly listening to the other side. There is such a distinct difference between a negotiation session that is open to diverse perspectives and the incorporation of ideas compared to the “talking at” syndrome that is so common in a contentious session. You might be asking yourself, how can you tell if you and your team are valuing varying perspectives? Think about the exchange of proposals. Are you sharing the documents and editing your ideas to incorporate suggestions from across the table? Or are you simply creating a response document?

4. “Daring leaders work to make sure people can be themselves and feel a sense of belonging.” When preparing for negotiations, how can you make people feel a sense of belonging? What are some actions you can take to make them feel at ease? A few simple strategies would be using inclusive language (“our district”), head nod when you agree with a story or sentiment, acknowledge a fair point, connect to the larger educational community that you all belong to and validate a concern (“I agree, the cost of living increases are concerning for everyone involved”).

Disagreement is part of the process — vagueness and anger is not. Show your kindness by being prepared, intentional and honest.

5. “Clear is kind.” Last, but not least, be kind. Even in the most frustrating of circumstances, take the high road paved with kindness. My only regrets in all of my years of negotiating are when my frustrations got the best of me and my words or actions appeared unkind or lacked clarity. Disagreement is part of the process — vagueness and anger is not. Show your kindness by being prepared, intentional and honest. Negotiations should never feel like a used car sales pitch — it should be sincere, complete and clear.

Let your teams’ intentions be known and how they will impact the process.
Ask difficult questions for clarity purposes — not a gotcha.
Say “no” if the answer truly cannot have a compromise. (This should be a rare occurrence.) But do not ignore the question to avoid conflict.
Openly discuss contingencies of agreements and possible unintended consequences of what may appear to be a positive decision.
Be a leader and partner to all parties involved. It is important to be clear that at the end of the day, you are all on the same team — for your students.

Educational leaders have the challenging task of leading through negotiations for the betterment of the district and the students it serves. This task can be a great opportunity for you to show why you are a leader — your strengths in being prepared, your ability to listen, to be clear and kind, and to bring together varying perspectives for the benefit of all.

Resources

Brown, B. (2018). Dare to lead. Vermilion.

Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly. Gotham Books.

Brown, B. (2015). Rising Strong. Vermilion.

Lozano Smith (lozanosmith.com) Episode 69 Bargaining Basics - Meeting at the Table. https://lozanosmith.com/news-podcast.php?news_id=3284

“Negotiations and Communications: Build Your Plan Before Going to the Table.” https://www.f3law.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/12/F3-009-Negotiations-and-Communications-v.2024.pdf

“Steps to Guide Bargaining Preparation” (www.acsa.org) ACSA Partner4Purpose Fagen Friedman & Fulfrost, LLP (F3). https://content.acsa.org/steps-to-guide-bargaining-preparation

Jennifer Gaviola is superintendent of Cayucos Elementary School District and the 2024-25 ACSA Region 13 SLO Charter president. She has previously served in numerous administrative roles, including deputy superintendent of human resources in Paso Robles Joint USD.